Love Out of Order (Indigo Love Spectrum) Page 7

  Astoria didn’t get that it was my business who I was attracted to. And John was not an option anyway, so she didn’t have to worry about it.

  Astoria shrugged. “Just a question. I’ve never heard you talking about going out on a date with one.”

  “I haven’t been on a date since I was in college. You know that.”

  “Your only boyfriend was white. I only ever hear you talking about white guys like that.”

  “That’s not true. I talk about a lot of different types of guys.”

  Astoria kept it up. “You have so much going for you, Denise. I don’t want to see you ruin everything. Especially because of some white boy who doesn’t even deserve your tears.”

  So I had two racist best friends. Well, actually, Suse was ambiguous on the issue. I did remember her saying she was “relieved” when Burke left Grey’s Anatomy because “the whole situation with Christina was just too weird.” Of course she didn’t have a problem with the gay slur issue.

  Suse always put things in the infidelity context when it came to John. She asked me why I was even interested in a guy who would cheat on his girlfriend. She asked if I wanted to be the next one cheated on. This from the girl who had been cheated on three times (and counting, Astoria and I always said when she wasn’t around) by her “soul mate”. That was part of the reason I’d opened my big mouth too wide Saturday night in the parking lot when I pissed her off.

  I sat back in my chair. We were two of only a handful of people left in the dining hall. It was pretty late. There were a few giggling undergrads scattered around at some of the other tables, clad in variations on the same theme. They wore sweats, pajama bottoms, Central Virginia University hoodies and flip-flops. Dining hall workers had come out of the kitchen and were cleaning up in hopes of giving us the hint to get moving. One of them looked like she wanted to start prodding us out of the door with her mop.

  Astoria attempted to bring my attention back to the conversation by obnoxiously clearing her throat.

  “Astoria, there’s nothing I can say to change your mind. And there’s nothing you can say to change mine. So can we please just talk about something else?” I said, picking at my pasta again.

  “Okay, well, if you’re not going to answer my question—”

  “No—”

  “Which means you’ve basically answered it, how are things with Lindie?”

  I groaned. The evil, horrible, snotty third year who just knew she was running things at law review. I guess technically, she did. She was editor-in-chief. A position she had basically stolen from my friend, Melissa. No, not a nice girl, that Lindie.

  “Worse now that she’s gotten her offer for next year from Harris and Brown.”

  “Hm. Well, I hope she gets deferred. Everybody else is, anyway. That girl is nuts. You know she was arguing with Jones in class Friday? Apparently, Jones is the faculty advisor for some group she’s in and she took something he did personally. So in class, she wanted to argue with him about the First Amendment for, like, five minutes. Until Jones finally told her very rudely they would have to continue the conversation after class.” Astoria’s eyes lit up as she relayed her story. Astoria loved gossip even more than she loved to be self-righteous.

  “Really? I know Jones was pissed,” I said, happy to be off the subject of John.

  I was having enough trouble with John on my own without the different preachings and teachings of Astoria and Suse. The little things kept me wondering about his real feelings for me. Like the way he had found something to call me for at least three times a week every since that first meeting at Barnes & Noble. Yes, I had been keeping count. Of course, he’d stopped calling even before the party and the rooftop disaster. But I still could not get John Archer out of my head. I knew it wasn’t healthy, but I couldn’t help it.

  And it was infuriating how he kept giving me hope. But I also couldn’t imagine how I would have felt if he had stopped. Even though he had a gorgeous girlfriend, his parents were loaded, and he was the frat boy antithesis of any guy I could ever see myself with, I couldn’t stop thinking about how great it would have been if we were together.

  After Astoria and I finished our meal, I decided to walk home even though her car was right there in the dining hall parking lot. I really did want the time to think, but Astoria was right, even though I denied it vehemently. I hadn’t wanted to spend any more time around her after our dinner conversation.

  I thought that maybe the fresh, crisp air would help me clear my head a little. Or at least give me something different to think about. The air was a little too crisp. The cold was biting through my thin coat. I picked up my pace, shivering.

  I walked past the strip of shops and restaurants between campus and my apartment complex. I looked at the storefronts under the lonely, bright streetlights. A few joggers passed by; some in running tights and shorts and some in track pants. I narrowed my eyes at their backs. They were making me feel bad, remembering my fatty, cheesy pasta. And considering I was about to catch fire just from a brisk walk home. I hadn’t been to the gym in a while.

  As I reached the entrance to my apartment complex, my phone vibrated against my hip. I took it out of the belt clip. It stopped vibrating before I could even read the caller ID. I stopped dead in the middle of the street. A middle-aged lady huffed angrily and stomped around me and continued down the street. I rolled my eyes, thinking it was her fault for walking so close.

  My heart jumped as I checked the name on my missed call. John had tried to call me. I called his number back without even thinking. My heart pounded as the phone rang. And it sank down to my feet when his voice mail came on. That boy was trying to give me heart failure.

  “He’s crazy and he’s driving me crazy,” I muttered under my breath. I shoved my phone back into its holder. I needed to leave him alone. I hoped I could find the strength to do that.

  Chapter 8

  LAPTOP SNOOPING

  I couldn’t concentrate on the article I was supposed to be reading on tort liability. The law review office was the last place in the world I wanted to be. I couldn’t stand myself. Every thought in my head turned to John. Obsession. Damn. Not again. I had been down this road before and it had almost cost me everything.

  I couldn’t stop thinking about how angry and sad he’d made me on that rooftop. Then there was the simple message I’d read on his computer screen. He hadn’t closed his Gchat message box before wandering away from his computer one day in the library. Walking past, I hadn’t been able to resist taking a peek. He’d been chatting with Ral and one of the last messages from John read: I thought I knew. I know what I should want.

  I looked around and no one was watching. I sat down at John’s carrel and scrolled up the Gchat screen. John’s previous message read: Sasha’s the one for me, right? She just fits. And you don’t just date someone for three years and decide it’s not working. By three years, you should know. And his message before that: I’ve been attracted to other girls since Sasha and I started dating, but it doesn’t last and I’ve never acted on it. Never really had any desire to. Until now. The way I feel around her. I’ve never felt this for Sasha or—anyone else.

  Someone walked past and my guilty conscience made me jump. I’d gotten up and walked out of the library, my brain on fire. I forgot what I’d even come in there for.

  As I sat in the law review office, a full week after karaoke and the trouble it had caused, staring at that journal article, those two memories kept me from retaining a single word I read.

  I looked at my laptop screen, relieved, as an instant message box popped up. I grinned. Astoria. She knew I was supposed to be working on law review crap.

  What’s up? I typed back.

  I’m bored. Blow off your law review stuff, she typed back. Can’t. But what do you have in mind? I typed. I was already mentally halfway out of that office.

  I dunno. That movie we wanted to see is at the Byrd, she typed.

  I sighed. If we go to the later show.
But I really have to get something done. I compromised with myself. Maybe the promise of a night out would motivate me. And I did need to be around people. I had gotten into my nobodylikes-me-so-I’ll-keep-to-myself danger zone thanks to Mr. Archer.

  I’m holding you to that.

  Okay, I typed back. I wasn’t backing out. I needed to put John out of my mind.

  What I didn’t need was for Astoria to bring Erich to the Byrd with her. I couldn’t hide my annoyance and I didn’t want to try.

  “Denise, you remember Erich,” Astoria said.

  How could I not when his name was every other word out of her mouth? “Sure.” I didn’t crack a hint of a smile. The only movement I made was to pull my scarf tighter around my neck.

  “Hi, Denise,” Erich said, smiling.

  I felt kind of bad for him. He was a nice guy. He didn’t need to get pulled into all this. But I was more mad at Astoria than anything.

  “The movie doesn’t start for a while. You said something about coffee first on the phone a few minutes ago,” Astoria said to me.

  I shrugged. “Sure.” I tried to keep the venom out of my voice, but I wasn’t sure I had succeeded from the look that passed over Astoria’s face.

  “Erich, can you grab us a table at that place down the street?” Astoria asked.

  Erich nodded, smiled a confused but polite smile, and started off down the street.

  Astoria turned to me and had the nerve to look at me like I had done something wrong. “I’m just trying to help out here.”

  “I don’t need your help with this,” I said, starting off down the street after Erich.

  Astoria put a restraining hand on my shoulder. I looked at the hand and then up at her, and repeated these actions, looking at her like she was crazy.

  “What you got for this white boy—”

  “John.”

  “Whatever, it ain’t healthy—”

  “And I don’t have anything for him now—”

  “Yeah, right, you can’t keep your eyes off him in Evidence.”

  “And when did I become so pathetic you feel like you have to pimp me out to Erich?”

  “I’m doing this because I’m tired of seeing you upset. I’m just trying to be a good friend.”

  “No. You just want to act like you know what’s best for me. And you don’t. You know I’m not interested in him.”

  “I know you’ve never even considered giving him a chance.”

  “And that’s my choice.”

  “Fine,” Astoria said, rolling her eyes.

  I shook my head with frustration and headed down the street toward the coffee shop. Astoria followed at a distance.

  Coffee was tense and awkward. The movie was slightly better because no talking was expected. But it was still uncomfortable to have Erich between us. The whole time, I wanted to reach across, grab Astoria and scream at her to stay out of my love life. I couldn’t even concentrate on the story line. I don’t remember what the movie was about now. It was funny how everybody else always thought they knew what was best for me. Especially when those people couldn’t even get their own lives on track.

  After the movie, Erich couldn’t get away from us fast enough. But he was polite about it. He gave us some excuse about having a lot of reading to do and hurried off.

  Astoria turned to face me. “Give me a ride home?”

  I nodded, my eyes focused across the street. I couldn’t leave her stranded.

  We got to the car, got in, and pulled onto the road before either of us said a thing. I took the long way back to Astoria’s apartment. I knew we both wanted to talk about it, but neither one of us wanted to be first.

  Finally Astoria let out an exaggerated sigh. “Are we really not grown enough to talk about this?”

  “I don’t want to fight about this, either, but we need to set some rules or something. ’Cause all we do is fight about it,” I said, braking for a red light. I turned to Astoria. “I know he’s a mistake, Stori. But he’s my mistake. And he’s a mistake I wanted to make, and maybe still do.” I didn’t mention the messages I’d read on John’s computer. I didn’t want to hear her theories on them.

  “This doesn’t make any sense. He’s going to hurt you.”

  “He already has. And I don’t know what’s going to happen, but you can’t protect me from life. I don’t always need saving. Sometimes I need you to let me fall and fail.”

  Astoria slouched down in her seat and studied the gold bracelet on her slim wrist. “You know what we need to do. I need to stop talking about Erich, and you need to stop talking about John.”

  “We both know that ain’t gonna happen,” I said. We laughed.

  “Yeah. It’s not,” Astoria said. “I’m gonna keep trying to get you with Erich and you gonna keep trying to mess up with John Archer.”

  “Yeah.”

  She muttered something and all I caught of it was Sasha’s name.

  I glared at her, keeping one eye on the road.

  “You still sayin’ this is a mistake you might wanna keep making.”

  “Look, you can be a supportive friend or you can be an ass. But either way, it’s not going to make me go out with Erich Conners,” I said, turning the car onto Astoria’s street with a jerk of the steering wheel.

  “I’m just sayin’.” Astoria grabbed the dash, steadying herself for my wild turn.

  I slammed on the brakes in front of her building. “Coming in?”

  I shook my head.

  “I don’t want this jackass to come between us.”

  “I just need some time to cool off. And you do, too.” “So no brunch tomorrow?”

  “I don’t think so,” I said.

  Astoria and I usually had brunch together on Sundays after church. We went to different churches, so at least we didn’t have to worry about running into each other there.

  Astoria nodded. She reached over to hug me. I half hugged back, leaving one of my hands on the steering wheel.

  “See you in class Monday,” she said.

  I nodded. I didn’t even look at her. When I heard the car door shut, I took off. I knew I was mad because she was so right about so many things. But at least out of the two of us, she was trying to be realistic.

  At my apartment complex, I pulled into my parking space and killed my lights.

  “Perfect end to a perfect night,” I muttered under my breath as I got out of the car. Tia’s boyfriend’s car was parked in a nearby visitor’s spot. They were really open with their sexuality. Too open. I hoped they wouldn’t be on the dining room table again. I hadn’t eaten on that table since the time I’d found them on top of it. “J-u-u-u-st perfect.”

  Chapter 9

  SASHA THE BITCH FROM HELL

  From the moment I first saw her, I knew my life would never be the same. But in a very different way from how I knew it when I first saw John. She had legs that just wouldn’t end. Her thin lips were curved in a smile that did not reach her pale blue eyes. Long blonde hair. Great ass. Hell, great body, period. She was every guy’s wet dream.

  “I heard she did some amateur modeling before college, and Victoria’s Secret wanted to pick her up, but she wanted to concentrate on school,” I heard a girl say as she walked past, staring at Sasha. Everyone within staring distance was staring at Sasha.

  My stomach sank to my knees. I wanted to throw up. I wanted to disappear. I wanted to erase John from my memory because I should have never had the nerve to even think about him. I should have known. I was an idiot. Obviously, John only wanted to be friends. He was dating perfection. Who was I? I had misread those messages on his computer. Or maybe I’d gotten his name confused with Ral’s or something or maybe someone else had typed those messages to play a joke on Ral. There was some explanation, I guessed. All I knew was Sasha was perfection.

  She wore knee-high boots that I could have never gotten one of my huge calves into even if I put both boots together. She had on a denim mini, and I could have never gotten my fat ass into it. A sw
eater that showed off perfect cleavage. Surgically perfect. They had to be fake. Probably a high school graduation present from Daddy to go with her Range Rover. Her dad was a neurosurgeon. He had probably gotten one of his buddies to give him a discount on Sasha’s boobs.

  “Close your mouth, honey. Come on,” Astoria said, pulling me away from the horror.

  I shook my head to bring myself back to reality. I turned around mechanically. I caught Astoria muttering something under her breath.

  “Stori, I love you, but I don’t want an ‘I told you so’ right now,” I said through clenched teeth, pulling away from her.

  “I know.”

  I stopped in my tracks and raised my eyes. This wasn’t my Stori.

  “No smart remark?”

  “Nah, girl. She got you good. Even I feel sorry for you. I saw your face when she got out of that Range.”

  I didn’t say a word. I just stared at Astoria. She made me mad when she was dead on like that.

  “I’m taking you to the Bottom tonight. And I don’t wanna hear about no law review, gotta read, gotta make a meeting agenda. It’s Friday night. And we’re gonna have some fun,” Astoria said.

  “Okay, but I’m inviting Suse and Tia.” I hoped Suse would come.

  “Suse, okay, but Tia?”

  “Hey. She made me a cake after that law review disaster with Lindie last week. I’d feel bad.” I grinned, taking out my phone.

  “Was it even edible?”

  “Stori.”

  “Okay, okay. I gotta go do some stuff in the library for the interview initiative. I’ll see you tonight.” She was part of a group that helped minorities in the Richmond area gain skills they needed to get various types of jobs. She gave me a hug and then she was off.

  I walked toward my car. I had get out of that parking lot. It was beyond necessary. I couldn’t stand another moment of Sasha’s blonde perfection.

  “Denise.” No, I didn’t just hear John call my name. I kept walking. “Denise.”